CBE Classic - Semifinals

Well folks, Iowa is off to a terrible start against Northwestern, a game I thought they would actually show up for. So because I’ll have nothing positive to say after this game, I decided to start the hate fest now with a running diary of the rest of tonight’s contest. The Hawks are down by 16 with 8 minutes left, and John Shurna has scored 12 straight points. Fuller has two fouls already, and Jarryd Cole looks like a fawn fresh out of its mothers womb. Shaky, way to alert, unable to stand for a gratuitous amount of time, and wimpy.

Here we go:

7:33- After his second timeout in a matter of FIVE seconds, the announcers just quipped, “There is nobody more upset in the world than Todd Lickliter right now.” I think I can think of a few people that are more mad than Lickliter at this very moment: 1. The people of Haiti. 2. Robbie Hummel. 3. Every Hawkeye fan in the World! The last segment of play where Iowa called a timeout, gave up another turnover, then called another timeout, pretty much sums up the season.

6:33- As I said above, Jarryd Cole looks horrendous, he is giving up easy baskets, and has yet to put a body on somebody in the post. That’s great leadership right there.

6:00- Cully Payne pulls out his inner Kareem Rush and nails down a three pointer to get Iowa within 17! Phew, I thought this game was out of reach.

4:49- Gatens is playing like a kid at the Field House right now. He is 0-4 from the field and just added to the turnover total. Hey I got the ball lets toss up a three and not play defense after it clanks off the backboard. Good plan Matty, good plan.

4:24- Oh man we pushed the ball, we pushed the ball! A fast break, is it going to happen here? Are we finally going to take it to the rack? Gatens pulls it back and gives it to Kareem Payne for another three pointer. He missed.

3:43- Shurna drills another three pointer, making him 6-7 on the night. This guy cannot miss. I remember telling everyone the first time we played Northwestern, to look out for this kid. He didn’t play that well, but tonight the basket is larger than the average ACT score at NW.

2:57- Shurna gets the ball at the wing and gets inside for an easy bucket. He has made seven straight shots in the game so far, which led to this little quirk from Bob Wischusen, “He can throw the ball into the ocean without even looking.” Thank you Bob, Thank you.

2:18- A lovely stat from Wischusen, “Shurna has more points (17) than Iowa does this entire half.” God I want to kill myself.

1:48- Little Lick gets in and nails a three from NBA range leading to this comment from Stephen Bardo, “ I think we have a Doogie Howser sighting.” That’s not even right. 37-19, NW.

1:08- Gatens shooting woes continue after launching yet another three and missing. Gatens could be looking at the ocean and would still be unable to throw a ball in it.

:37.2- The Wildcats are dominating on the offensive glass, absolutely cleaning up down low. This Hawkeye team is so bad it embarrasses me.

Halftime- 19 first half points. 19! Shurna has 18 by him freaking self. He’s putting on a freaking clinic. He is an unbelievable scorer, and moves so well without the basketball. Northwestern has an excellent group of kids, and next year the Big Ten needs to look out.

But getting back to Iowa. How can you, as a coach, not watch this first half and realize your style of offense and defense do not work. 19 points. It baffles me. My sisters 4th grade basketball team that didn’t win a game, scored more points in a half. The Women’s Canadian Curling team scores more points than this. It’s horrific. Iowa was 6-18 in the half, that’s 33% for all of you at home. Northwestern was 17-27, almost doubling Iowa’s percentage at 63%. They were one shot away from making as many shots as Iowa took. I’m so sick of beating a dead horse, but good lord this horse just keeps on screwing up even in his after life. Just when I think it might be turned around, Iowa plays like this. No wonder they can’t give away 300 tickets and get students to show up.

Second half:

19:45- Gatens nails down his first field goal. His man hood must have been tested during halftime. Or he was sexting during half with the girl he met at Summit last night that took all of his leg strength away.

19:00- Gatens pump fakes and hits a nice little jumper from the free throw line. Apparently the sexting worked.

17:58- Jarryd Cole throws up a baby hook from a foot away and misses again. Has there been a bigger underachiever in the history of Hawkeye basketball? If so please let me know.

17:30- Luka Mirkovic fakes a spin as Cole bites on the fake (typical), giving up an easy layup for two. My wimpy deer comparison is holding true so far.

15:22- I swear Gatens picked up a girl at Summit last night, he has zero legs on both sides of the court.

14:55- Cole gets a beautiful pass down low from Brennan Cougill and misses the uncontested bunny. I’ve seen 8th graders the size of Cole’s thigh dunk a pass like that, unbelievable.

14:43- Shurna gets an alley oop and makes one of the luckiest shots of his career. That’s how you do it Cole. I love Northwestern’s offense, they pass well, they shoot well, and they really understand the Princeton offense. 51-29, Northwestern.

13:34- Jermey Nash buries a wide open three. This Hawkeye team has no heart right now. But don’t worry Bawinkel is in, so it’s time to jack up more ugly three point attempts.

12:10- Gatens chucks up yet another three point attempt and like the rest it banks off the side of the backboard. Put in Nick Neari, Lick!

Now that there is a timeout, I want to point out something that has bugged me the whole season. Since I first saw Brennan Cougill I knew he looked like someone. I could never think of who, until right now. He looks just like John Daly! Get him in some Razorback pants, put him on a golf course with no shirt on, and we have a match. Ten bucks says he would look great in a Hooters polo.

10:22- Gatens gets to the rack, gets knocked in the face and then slams into the basket, never said he wasn’t a tough kid. He made the bucket, but missed the free throw almost as bad as his three pointers. Even the commentators tonight are calling him out for having no legs. I’m telling you, he was at Summit last night.

9:47- Doogie Howser drives the lane and gets thrown down like a rag doll. I love the little Jew Fro he has going on by the way.

7:49- Bob Wischusen just made this comment about Northwestern players wearing mouth guards, “They have to wear them on the playgrounds in Chicago.” That is one of the most hidden racist things I have ever heard from a color commentator in my life. His attempt at covering up what he just said was even better, “I mean your going to get fouled hard on the playground C’mon, that’s all I’m saying.” Bullshit.

7:19- I forgot to give a shout out to my boy Michael Wilbon. He was honored tonight at Northwestern for his contributions and success. He graduated from there in 1980. Big ups you Knuckle Head.

6:57- Iowa is still down by 20, and Fuller fouled out with only seven points. Why am I watching this still?

6:27- Shurna yet again hits a three pointer. The little science nerd is having one hell of a night, slicing and dicing up the awful Hawkeye defense.

4:19- Iowa is only down by 14, and they are still technically “fighting”, but you can tell the Wildcats have taken it down a notch. Let’s not get that confused.

1:21- Iowa is fouling. Why on earth is Iowa fouling? Can we not keep giving Shurna opportunities to add to his ridiculous point total?

1:09- Brommer fouls out and has this look on his face that is actually pretty scary. It looks like he might strap a bomb to his body and go hug Lickliter as it goes off.

:53.1- Stephen Bardo cracks me up. Little Lick is back in and he utters, “John “Doogie” Lickliter getting some time. He looks like an accountant.” It’s sad when the announcers even diss Lickliter.

That’s the game folks, with the final 74-57, Northwestern.
Now towards the end of the game I heard in the background of the game a student section chanting “lets play football”. Now I know 20 odd some members of the Hawks Nest attended tonight’s game, and I’m hoping those chants were not coming from us. If it was, shame on you guys.

The Princeton offense of Northwestern completely cut a deep hole in Iowa which opened up a gigantic wound that had no chance of being healed. I don’t even want to run through the stats, because they are atrocious. Shurna owned whoever guarded him, and Iowa’s offense was god awful. Enjoy the ride home boys. If you don’t get up for Indiana at home, I’m hugging Brommer too.